When You're Dreaming With a Broken Heart

So, I'm sitting awake doing two things: First, trying to figure out how the hell to delete more than one Facebook profile picture at a time...second, thinking about where I'm at in my life. Today. In the now. Okay, maybe I'm thinking about the future, but who doesn't? In 4 days I will be heading to Breckenridge, Colorado to explore some weird little adventurous side of myself. I never in a million years would have pictured myself packing up to go work in a restaurant that is conveniently located half way up a mountain slope. Especially after I graduated college and had to start thinking about career life and student loans. I guess, to be honest, I always just pictured myself heading out to wherever my then-boyfriend was so that I could spend time with him, working some random career-based job, being comfortable... I dunno. But sometimes life is completely unexpected, especially when someone that you become very dependent on breaks up with you...It forces you to figure out who you are, independently of anyone else (something I personally wish I would have done a few years ago). So here's a little snippet of how my last 2 months have looked: breakup, heartbreak, devastation, going through old photos, alcohol, friends, crying about the good times, work, more devastation (I gave myself 2 weeks to mope and be depressed until I decided I had to get my shit together), motivation, anger, job applications, thinking about what I really love, exploration, more job applications, boredom. Continuing this trend for a little bit, then...prayer, exploration, running, working out, spending time with the people I love and actually being mindful of spending time with the people I love, JOB OFFER. And just like that it's the little tiny low-income-work-in-a-mountain-restaurant-job that comes along just when you stop looking for what you need and start enjoying what you have. I've learned a lot about myself over the past few months. I've learned that I don't WANT to start a career yet. I've learned that I'm way too dependent on other people. I've learned that love is very important to me. I've learned that life goes on for other people even when you feel like the world you're living in is shattering. Most importantly, I've learned that the people who care about you will always be there...even if it's just to go get cream cheese puff's from Lee Ann Chin in the middle of the night just because I'm depressed (shout out to Kari again). Side note: something that is really frustrating is the amount of people that have told me to cut all ties with my ex. I understand that for some people it's better that way, but that doesn't mean it's better that way for everyone. I like being friends. Sometimes people are just better friends than lovers. Okay anyways. I'm really excited for my new adventure. I'm glad that happy things can happen in the unhappy times. Life is really full of ups and downs, but today I am sitting here wrapped in my cozy blanket, enjoying the butterflies that have completely filled my stomach. I'm ready to snowboard and meet new people. I'm ready to work a job that isn't using my college degree, and most importantly I'm ready to explore the one life that I've been given. I'm moving forward.

All good things to come.

Forever Fondness

Okay. Sometimes life can be stressful. Like...starting a new job and having to learn every single little detail........and your brain can't remember anything because it's on overload and all you want to do is a great job. And maybe there is a huge sale on your first weekend. And you have a million questions and want to quit when people stare at you like you're an idiot. You get home and have nothing to do...so you sit and watch Netflix for hours...and you start to wonder why you are where you are. "Why don't I have a passion? Why don't I have something to do other than watch Netflix? Why am I sitting in an empty house when there is a whole world out there?" A large sadness might start to fill your mind. BUT THEN. Then...something amazing happens. Life throws a happy curve ball at you. A happy curve like...you had the best day at work and were successful solo! A happy curve ball like the I-haven't-seen-my-best-friend-sister-second-family-and-have-the-chance ball. A happy curve ball like the something good is coming. Happiness is coming. I can see it. I can feel it. That little light at the end of the tunnel. This isn't just because I'm about to see my best friend, but because something good and happy happened. It creates hope in all other areas in my life.Where is my pickaxe cause I'm too excited to sleep?! I want to destroy the rocks blocking that light. I'm hopeful, I'm excited, and I'm impatient. Thank God for something exciting to keep my heart warm right now. I'm thankful. Here's to you, life! 

xo

You Don't Have a Fast Car

As I sit in my aunt’s cozy house-turned-to-my-home, staring up at the ceiling while sprawled out on the comfy white carpet...I can’t help but wonder what exactly it is I’m doing with my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love having the comforts of a nice house and family that will take me in when I need it most. But, somehow in the comfort of love I have a sickening impatience for finding myself and being productive. I mean, I guess that's a good thing. So, here’s to resurfacing my love for writing! My first blog post in a long while comes from the feeling of being washed up after graduating college. There’s hope, but until I find my path I’ll listen to my morning tunes and drink my cup of joe. This morning, though, I had a different experience. Have you ever heard a song that reached your heart in a can’t-stop-shivering kind of way? It’s not so often that these types of songs come around, but recently I heard Tracy Chapman’s Fast Car (wait, you just heard that now?!...I know). Something gripped my heart in a way that I can’t really describe, but I can tell you that it made me realize that as a Twenty-something-unemployed-girl...I want to feel like I belong. “and I had a feeling that I belonged, I had a feeling I could be someone.” You got that right, Tracy. I have a feeling I can be someone, but right now I just can’t seem to see through the fog that is unemployment *sigh*... “You’ve got a fast car, is it fast enough so you can fly away? You’ve gotta make a decision...leave tonight or live and die this way.” Well, I sure won’t be living this way forever... AKA with my aunt whilst wishing I had money enough to buy a car and drive myself to my wish-i-had-a-part-time gig <<since my legs aren’t fast enough to leave tonight and fly away>>. But (oh, the almighty but), “leaving tonight” didn’t work so well for me. As I shipped off to Boston to interview for a job and be near the guy I love, I realized that planning and organization is important……...okay and maybe having money first, too. Back to Minnesota in a months time, I understood the meaning of the overused term “the real world.” So, while I dream big dreams and read my romance novels, I’ll save up and wait patiently to make something of myself. To belong. So, shout out to any twenty-somethings that come across this blog and feel like our college careers were a waste because we’re unemployed. Our time will come, our niche will be found, and we’ll lead happy lives. Until then, let’s continue tipping back our hazelnut coffee, reading Nora Roberts, and dreaming the biggest of dreams. Cheers!

p.s. another shout out to my college bestie, cause she just landed her first big girl gig today! *light at the end of the dark dark DARRRRRK tunnel of job searches*